The Non-Abusive Abusive Parent

So, that title makes zero sense to you I am sure. This is a hard one for me to write about, but what changes were made anywhere in the history of the world without a challenge or difficulty along the way? This has to be written.I became a mother about nine years ago (I count pregnancy.) By current societal standards, I was “old.” I was only 26, but I have friends my age who are already grandparents, so you do the math. By God’s never changing standards, I became a mother as a result of sin. I was unmarried. Now, I know the world would have you believe that that’s ancient thinking/belief. But consider the source. God set a standard, and He has not changed. The world has. Just because something has become common practice doesn’t mean it has become pleasing to God. So I was in the wrong. Period.Just to offer some background, not an excuse or attempt at justification, I’ll say I was a mess! I got pregnant three months after my divorce was final; nine months after being homeless; and with 0 days of sobriety. I was getting high and drinking like my life depended on it. I was so inebriated all the time that it was actually my inability to finish a drink at a party that prompted me to take a pregnancy test. I had issues and pain from the past that I had never dealt with. Drugs, alcohol, partying and sex were my solution. I had no plans to slow down. I sincerely, secretly, and silently hoped it would kill me.Then those two lines showed up on that test, and something changed. I immediately got clean and sober and I did my best to take care of business. The problem is, I never dealt with the pain and issues of the past. Throughout my pregnancy I treated my daughters father terribly. My attitude had more ups and downs, twists and turns, and flip flops than the worlds tallest looping roller coaster. I was unstable to say the least. I found myself feeling suicidal several times during pregnancy. Thank God I never succeeded. I ended up facing homelessness again, but my mother took me in (once again.) By this time I felt like a complete failure in life. I wore an “everything is fine” mask, but inside I was virtually dead. During this time my mother was going through ministerial training, and I was apparently her congregation. It seems she was preaching to me every day. I didn’t know how much I would come to appreciate those “sermons” later on (thanks Mom.) She laid a foundation that pushed me to change my focus. I enrolled in school to finish my degree and I started trying to get serious about a relationship with God.When my baby was born, I knew the only person more perfect than her was Jesus. I was absolutely amazed by her. She was beautiful, and she was sooo smart. I actually got into an argument with the nurse the day after my baby was born because she kept rolling over to sleep on her stomach. The nurse accused me of laying her that way even after I said I didn’t, and she stressed the importance of back sleeping. It was not until she saw my little girl sit her head up and roll over on her own that she believed me. She’s continued to be smart and advanced ever since. So much so that sometimes when she does things that are actually age appropriate, I am too hard on her. I forget that she’s still a child.One of those “age appropriate” things is talking incessantly in school. I did the same thing when I was her age, so I don’t know why I was shocked. Her conferences and report card notes mimick my own at that age. “She’s a smart girl and does great work, but she talks too much.” Her father and I were constantly fussing at her about this and I was frustrated that I wasn’t seeing results. Finally, her teacher and I came up with a plan, and she now gives me daily behavior reports. That way I’m able to monitor what’s happening at home as well and see how her behavior lines up across the board and make changes or issue appropriate consequences, good and bad.That point finally brings us to the reason for this topic. The last report I got from her teacher shook me to my core.“Ayana had some difficulty with the volume of her voice today. A boy in class decided to kick her chair leg when he was walking to get a book. She started yelling at him. I told her that she is right it isn't okay for him to walk by and kick her chair leg, but she also can't disrupt class by yelling at him. We talked about what she should have done instead. We discussed how she could have used an indoor voice to tell him to stop and that it isn't okay and to come and tell me with a calm voice. The other student received a consequence. There were some other instances where she was having difficulty with voice volume during talking times, but other than this she had a great day!”I know that does not seem like much at all, but if you know my daughter you would know that is out of character for her. I knew before I finished reading the whole report that I was the reason for her lashing out. How?I tend to “discipline” by yelling, and lately, as a result of my own stress, it has been worse and more frequent. I get tired of repeating myself. I get tired of her not doing what she is supposed to do. So what if I raise my voice? I don’t hit her. I don’t swear at her. I don’t call her names. I just raise my voice. When we think about abusive parents, we typically think about the ones who physically beat their children. We even consider those parents who verbally abuse their children by swearing at them and calling them names. But what about the parent who emotionally abuses their child? It’s very rarely considered, but happens more frequently than anyone would dare admit. It was the day of that report that I realized that is exactly what I was doing. I learned the true definition of the word berate just by reflecting on my own actions. My discipline went beyond what is considered a "normal" raised voice. I was yelling at her to the point that I could see the fear and pain in her eyes, and she was shrinking inside of herself. I saw, but I could not stop myself. Eventually, even the smallest infraction was worthy of my wrath. My emotional instability was causing me to hurt my child, and now she is even mimicking the behavior. What was I teaching her about controlling her emotions? What was I teaching her about how people should talk to her? What was I teaching her about appropriate responses in frustrating situations? What was I teaching her about how she should talk to others? None of the answers were good.So how do I fix this? That answer certainly did not feel good either. Nothing can change or get better until I reconcile the pains of the past. I can’t reconcile the pains of the past until I trust God with them. I can’t trust God with them until I trust Him. Period. If I’m going to successfully raise this child He has blessed me with, then trusting Him is not optional. Trusting Him also means giving Him control of my emotions. When He is in control, I can’t possibly damage His child. I cannot undo the damage I have already done, but I can change and allow her to see God as He works in and through me.As parents, we often laugh when we see or hear our children mimicking us, but there is nothing funny about emotionally damaging your child. I went to school for Early Childhood Education AND Psychology. So how could I possibly be guilty of any form of child abuse? The realization cuts deep and all I want to do is love on her more. I mean, I knew I wasn’t perfect. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent. But I don’t know any parent in their right mind who would be okay with being accused, let alone found guilty, of child abuse. It sounds so extreme, but the reality is, what happens during these years in her life will have an effect on her in the years to come. If I plant these seeds of negativity now, they will take root and grow, and what kind of fruit will she produce then? Parenting is not a job to be taken lightly. You don’t have to take my word for it. Reflect on your own childhood, and then follow that timeline to where you are today. What fruit do you see as a result of the seeds planted back then?“A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. A tree is identified by its fruit. Figs are never gathered from thornbushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes. A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.” ‭‭Luke‬ ‭6:43-45‬ ‭NLT‬‬My sharing may have seemed dark and heavy, but the realization, repentance, and turning back to God is just the light needed to make this another day of sunshine.See you next time.