Cloudy with a Chance of Defeat
No, I did not suddenly become a meteorologist, but I didn’t have to be to see the forecast for this website and my obedience to God. I was so excited to put up that first post and launch the site. Excited to be providing everyone with a big dose of sunshine. But then the clouds rolled in. What clouds, you ask? My negative self-talk. My fear. My doubt. My insecurities. My envy. The sky was dark and it looked like a 100% chance of defeat raining down. And just like that, I gave up. I knew no one actually cared. My words did not matter. Who was I to think anyone wanted to hear what I had to say? Who was I to think God had called me to this? Then, I looked at what my friends were doing and became even more discouraged. I could never be that great. I could never be on that level. Defeat rained down as I settled into the shelter of my own self pity. No one even noticed that I wasn’t writing anymore. Until someone did.
A dear friend of mine asked me if she was missing something because she had been looking for my posts and hadn’t seen anything. I was embarrassed to answer her. Why? I could have just lied and told her I changed my mind and just thought the whole website was a bad idea. But that would make me a liar, on top of the hypocrite I already was. This was a friend I had been encouraging to step out in faith and do something she knew God had called her to do. I was constantly encouraging her not to doubt or compare herself to anyone else doing the same thing, and she has been thriving! So how could I look her in the eyes and say I could not follow my own advice? Well, I was honest, and she gave me a good dose of my own medicine. Side note: Get you a friend like that if you don't already have one.
Well, I did not immediately log in and start writing. The fact that I so readily and easily gave up showed that I had some things internally to deal with first. So, I took some time to pray and reflect. I wish I was writing now to say that I had this great Damascus Road experience, but that's not what went down. Instead, God used my fussing at my child to get His point across to me. (He does that a lot with me.) I cannot even remember what she had done, but I was in full blown fuss mode! "How many times do I have to tell you the same thing? There was no room for opinion or arguing here. When I tell you to do something, your only response should be yes ma'am, as you move to obey. Where do you get off thinking you can negotiate or just choose whether or not you will listen just because you don't feel like it?" I stopped talking and just let her off the hook for the moment because those words hit me right where they needed to.
So, here I am. Typing in obedience. I love this more than I could ever get anyone to understand, and genuinely want to continue. And, just as I said in the first post, I cannot be concerned with anything or anyone else. I just have to do what I know I am supposed to be doing. Join me, or don't. Support me, or don't. If we determined our obedience on what other people thought about it, then nothing would ever get done. As I write this, I am listening to Just Want You by Travis Greene (if you don't have his album The Hill, GET IT!) As I listen to the lyrics, "Take everything, I don't want it, I don't need it. God, I just want you... Take me, I'm yours. I just want you." It shows what my problem was. I did not JUST want God. I wanted to feel special and important. I wanted man's accolades. I wanted what my "neighbors" had instead of what was mine, because theirs looked better to me. Whew! Tough pill to swallow. But if most of us are honest with ourselves, we have all had those moments. It is not even that what you are doing is bad, but if the intent is not for the glory of God, who or what is it for? And THAT fact is one of the best things that came after my pity party. I had direction. I had made up in my mind what this page was supposed to look like, and what the content should be because I read articles and other blogs, took a course, and listened to other people, but what I failed to do is ask God what He wanted. Do you know I actually was going to limit how much I even mentioned Him on this page so that I would not scare people away? Y'all I clearly had lost my mind. How could I profess to be doing the will of God withoutGod? I am just grateful for grace and mercy after such selfish behavior. Well, all I can say now is, try to stop me. Try to stop me from writing... try to stop me from talking about God. I won't. He is the center of all that I do, and THAT is what I want to share with you.
The forecast was looking cloudy with a chance of defeat, but now all I can see is Another Day of Sunshine. (Haha! See what I did there?)
See you next time. For real this time!