It has been a little while since I have posted. This time it is not because I considered quitting, or giving up. It is simply because life... This month I SERIOUSLY over committed, and I am feeling every bit of it. I absolutely will be sure to avoid this in the future. Things will be dying down soon, thank God, but I had to jump on now because something happened this evening that I just have not been able to let go of, and I knew I had to write.
I was leaving from church this evening, and my daughter asked, "Mom, what's for dinner?" That is a simple question, and the answer should have been simple. But, it is a question I could not answer since I had no clue. I tried to answer in a "light" tone of voice when I said "I don't know baby, I better figure that out." I kind of chuckled because there were a few other people around us. Well, typical child just could not accept that answer. She asked about going out to eat. I tried to quietly shut it down and get to the car, but all parents should know how well that worked. *Insert eye roll* She persisted and I finally had to say, I do not have the money to go out to eat. That STILL was not enough. She was on a mission. So, full of embarrassment, through clenched teeth, and with an angry voice, I shut her down. I was absolutely seething on the inside. The other people walking near us said goodbye, but I am not even sure I spoke back. When we got in the car I tried to calm my voice and explain to her that I did not have the money to just go out and buy whatever she was asking for, but that I would make sure she ate. She knew I was upset and was silent the entire car ride.
As I was driving, I was so full of emotion. I have been working to react spiritually rather than soulishly, but today I flunked. As I drove away from the church, all I could focus on was the gas gauge that is making its way towards E, the hungry child in the backseat, the nearly empty fridge and cabinets at home, the four singles that I had left to my name and the significant amount of time left until payday. ::Pause:: Let me say something for those who may read this and be full of judgment. This is not a pity or begging post. Please understand that recovery from a previous lifestyle full of poor financial decisions is a journey, the recovery does not happen overnight, and it is not without challenges or uncomfortable moments along the way. ::Unpause::
As I drove, I was thinking of what I had at home that I could piece together to make a decent meal. I had already resolved that eating was not a priority or necessity for me the rest of this week. I only wanted to be sure she was ok. As I was driving down the highway towards home and mentally stalking my gas gauge, I came up with a few things I could potentially make that would only require purchasing one or two things. And I resolved to cash in change to get gas. Great! I figured it out! (Emphasis on I).
As I pulled into the parking lot of the store, which also has a gas station, she finally speaks and says, "getting gas mom?" I hate that she can read the gas gauge. I did not answer, and just pulled into a parking spot at the grocery store. She said, "can I tell you what I was going to ask at church?" I nodded and she proceeded to tell me what she was going to ask for from the store. She wanted a doggone lunchable. I do not typically purchase those, especially for dinner, but to her they are a treat. I fixed my mouth to say of course not, but I didn't. I let her get one, and it cost $1. She was literally skipping through the store as if I had agreed to purchase her a steak meal. No, this is not my meal of choice for her. No, it is not the healthiest choice. But, she was happy. Here I am, wallowing in the deepest pools of my own self pity, and it took $1 for my daughter to rejoice for what she saw as a blessing. I don't think I will ever stop learning from her.
My lesson learned tonight actually has nothing to do with my lack of funds, and everything to do with my lack of faith. I am accepting of the fact that it will be work to move forward from previous poor decisions. I have worked hard, and will continue to do so. But, how I respond to situations should be different. I should immediately know that God is in control and seek His response for the situation. Instead, I dove head first into the deep end of the "what am I going to do, woe is me" pool. I could not see an immediate solution, which in my mind meant the problem could not be solved and I have once again failed as a parent. (I might be dramatic.) Then when I, (emphasis on the I again), finally finagled something in my head, I STILL never sought Gods direction. And then, as HE so often does, He made sure I heard His voice, through my child. You know what I walked out of the store with? Yes, a jar of peanut butter and a lunchable, but it was more than that. I walked out with renewed faith and confidence.
My own mom set the bar high in my book. We ate home cooked meals for every meal, every day with little to no exceptions to that rule during the first 12-13 years of my life, if not longer. Then there is my sister who cooks amazingly healthy vegetarian meals for herself and her children daily. The lunches she packs for them are so awesome that they are the talk of the school amongst the faculty and staff. And then here I am. Struggling, and letting my kid have a lunchable for dinner. Failure is all I could see. But, what God spoke to me as I was beating myself up in the store for not meeting this standard, is that He has her, so she is always taken care of. She eats plenty of home cooked meals on a very regular basis. She eats things like carrots, cucumbers, and apples for snack. She goes to the doctor for nothing more than her yearly check up because she is in great health. She never goes to bed hungry. She goes to bed with a roof over her head, in her own room, in her own bed. She has her pick of very nice clothes and shoes every single day. She is surrounded by people who love her. And most importantly, she has her own relationship with Him.
To label myself a failure as a parent is actually a slap in Gods "face." It is suggesting that He made a mistake when He entrusted me with her. My financial situation today is not a surprise to Him. It is also not without a purpose. What I can be sure of is that as long as I keep Him first in MY life, she is receiving the greatest lesson I can give her. It also means she will be ok. There may be days where the menu is a lunchable or a peanut butter sandwich. I might even run out of gas. But even if that happens, I know that He is still in control, and we will be okay. Nothing happens in this life without purpose, and without an opportunity for Him to get the glory. Today I was humbled. I am not a perfect parent. I made that clear in my last post (ha). But seriously, my pride said I have to be just like my mom and my sister. I have to show everyone how together I have it all of the time, even if I really don't, and God said, "nah. It is time to take that mask off."
So, hello! My name is Veronica. I let my child have a lunchable for dinner tonight. I don't always have money in the bank or a full tank of gas. I don't always smile. I get embarrassed easily. I do not ask for help. I am flawed. But, I am loved. I believe in this season, God is breaking me. Not breaking me in the negative connotations we immediately think of, but He is breaking me to remove the things I have added to myself that He did not intend to be there. Breaking me and putting me back together better, and stronger. It's a journey, but these days, what isn't? I am not going to fight it anymore. My least favorite passage in the Bible (I said what I said) is Proverbs 1. But tonight, I realized that is because it describes me, and I never wanted to admit that. But, it is time to embrace knowledge and wisdom, submit, walk in obedience, and let God do what He has been trying to do all along, otherwise, what am I doing here?
