Seriously, We're Still Here???
Yesterday I came across a Facebook status that was undoubtedly a subliminal message directed at me. I mentally reacted in three different ways. First, I formulated a response to comment on the post. Second, I formulated a subliminal “clapback” post. Third, I formulated a direct text response to that person. Ultimately, I did none of the above. How could I say to myself, “when do we become too old to sneak diss on Facebook” while all the while desiring to respond out of fleshly immaturity myself? Who is going to be different? Who is going to grow up? I decided that the answer should be me. It is not up to me to point out the immaturity of others. Instead, it is my job to be sure that I am in right standing with God and allow Him to help me with my own maturity, and just maybe someone will see my walk and learn. That one situation brought a lot of things to the surface for me and told me that I am not standing as right with God as I thought. Clue number one? My immediate reaction to the post. Why did I even care? What they wrote was not even true. So here is my lesson for the day. I still care entirely too much. About what? Y’all!!! I am STILL renting space in my life to the thoughts and opinions of others. This is getting old.
So, if you follow my very sporadic blog (I’m working on it lol), you may recall the post I did when I cut my locs off. I talked about chopping off other people’s expectations. I have always been a people pleaser. Never wanting to let anyone down or disappoint them. I claimed that I was done with that and moving forward. Well, yesterday’s events determined, that was a lie. I am still a people pleasing, approval seeking hot mess. That’s honestly why this blog is as sporadic as it is. Because even though I have PLENTY to write, I am always concerned with the potential response, or lack of. What are the two people who read this going to think about me when they’re done. I was about to delete that last sentence but let me be transparent here. It’s those subtle little things; “The two people who read this…” Why was that necessary to say? It wasn’t, but it shows you where my mind is. If I know writing the blog is something I am supposed to do, why does it matter how many people read it? What is the actual reason for me writing it? Others approval, or obedience to God?
My father passed away of cancer on January 31st, and his funeral was last weekend. I honestly was not even able to grieve at first and I couldn’t figure out why. But then I realized it was still my concern with the opinions of others. It was no secret that my dad and I were not close at all. We didn’t have an up and down relationship; we just didn’t really have one at all the last few years. It didn’t mean I did not love him. It also did not mean that everything about our relationship was bad. But when he passed, I felt like I did not deserve to be sad. I did not deserve to hurt. I did not deserve to grieve. What would other people say about my being upset? People might think I felt guilty or had regret or something, neither of which is true, but I just could not let that happen. So, I checked in on my sister and brother who were extremely close to him, and I focused on being worried about them. Eventually, I realized it was ok to grieve. He was still my father and it was still a major loss in my life. What I came to realize was that while he was still here, it was so easy to focus on the negative reasons for the distance between us, and I often forgot that there was ever any good. Unfortunately, many people allowed me to continue in that thinking. But as I began to allow myself to feel his loss, and to actually grieve, I remembered… I spent a lot of my 38 years thinking that my father did not love me. It was in conversation with my sister after he passed that I finally saw his love language for what it was. It was VERY different from mine and unfortunately, he wasn’t too good at speaking mine. But he did speak his. When my car literally caught on fire while I was driving home from work one night, he told me he loved me in his own way when he answered my panicked phone call, had my car towed, at his expense, from Dayton to Columbus, and proceeded to rebuild my engine, also at his expense. Trust me, there were some rough moments in that process because we just DID NOT communicate well, but I see now that it doesn’t mean he did not love me. So, it seems I digressed, but I didn’t. My point in all of that was to say who cares what other people have to say about my grief or my process, or even what I choose to feel or share about him? If I could get past opinions in that area and move forward, why can’t I do it in other areas?
Do y’all know how exhausting it is to make decisions when you’re carrying the weight of other people's thoughts and opinions? It typically causes me to just say forget it and do nothing. In the last 5-6 months I have made some pretty major investments in my business. I have several new ideas/ventures and have written out a new business plan. But I have done NOTHING! In December of 2019 I started a podcast and never really told anyone. Never posted a single one of my recordings. Why? Because it seems like the moment I am ready to go, someone else more charismatic, more popular, and with more support is doing it. And before anyone gives me the “look at the bread aisle” example, I get that. But it’s more than that for me. It comes down to why would someone pick me “the Kroger brand” over “Sara Lee”? And there, ladies and gentlemen, is the problem. Not only do I care too much about what people say, I have placed little to no value on the gifts God has given me. If someone else has a similar idea or plan, I automatically assume they are better, and I should just quit. There are people in the craft world that I have literally taught how to do many of the things I do in my own business. And then as I see them growing leaps and bounds ahead of me, I am immediately discouraged and ready to quit. This is a really twisted cycle. Are y’all sick of me yet, because I am shole nuff sick of myself.
I can probably give about twenty more instances of where I am going wrong, but what good does that do? Let’s acknowledge the wrong exists and move on to talking about how I am going to get right. I already made a first step by allowing myself to silence other people’s voices in my head and grieve the death of my father. But what about the other areas? Well, the work is the same. I have to be absolutely and unshakably secure in where I stand with God and who He says I am. If I do not know that I will forever be in this place. When I know who God says I am, then I know what God told me to do. And if I know what He told me to do, then I can do it boldly with no thought to who else is doing it, or what anyone else thinks about it. His opinion is the only one that should matter. That is the place I desire to be mentally and spiritually. How am I going to get there? By building my relationship with Him one day at a time. By allowing His voice and His thoughts of me to begin to speak louder in my head than the ones that say I am nothing. I wish I could hit post on this blog and then suddenly be “better,” but alas, this one is going to take time and work.
Writing these blogs and sharing just how messed up I am sometimes is literally one of the hardest things for me to do, and I am not always obedient to God when He places something on my heart to share. Transparency can be scary y’all! But when I told God I was willing to be His vessel, that apparently meant I had to be used the way HE said, and not the way I felt comfortable. Ugh!!! But I am here now, and there’s no turning back for me. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that you aren’t where you are supposed to be. But it is wrong to just get comfortable and stay there. Sis is over here uncomfortable, so let’s get this work! My name is still Sunshine. I am still shining HIS light. And every day I wake up and tell Him yes, is another day of sunshine.