Aches and Pains

This weather is KILLING my joints. Arizona me please! My brother and future sister-in-law have me convinced I need to move to Arizona where they are, and with the temperature at -2 as I write this, I am ready to pack up and head out of Ohio! I seriously feel like an 80-year-old woman instead of 38. I find myself talking about I feel the rain coming because my knees ache. I complain about going out in the cold because every one of my joints ache when I do. I even found myself singing the praises of cortisone injections for my arthritis to a friend. What in the world? LOL!

I recently had surgery on my right foot. In fact, it was only 4 months ago. It seems like so much longer. The process was AWFUL!!! I now have a screw permanently in my foot. I was completely non weight bearing for 6-8 weeks. I was in a cast and a big boot. I used a scooter, and something called a knee crutch to get around, and I could not drive. I could barely get myself to the bathroom. I was completely dependent on other people, and if you know me, you know I must have REALLY needed the surgery to have allowed that, lol. I just don’t do well with relying on others. I could get into this long list of past let downs and trust issues, but that would take more writing than this little blog can handle. Haha! People really came through for me, and honestly the worst part, besides the pain and discomfort, was not being able to leave places when I wanted to. I will get ghost in a minute! I remember one Sunday, pre-surgery, my best friend was looking for me after church. She texted me to see if I had left the building yet, and I had to tell her, “girl I am already at home!” LOL. I do not play. As soon as I came out of the cast, I felt free! I could not wait to get behind the wheel. I was still in a boot, but it was smaller, and I could drive in it. I was not really prepared for what came when I was back behind the wheel. It felt like déjà vu.

Prior to the Dr. telling me I needed surgery, I started randomly having extremely sharp and shooting pains through my foot. I could be walking, driving, or just sitting. They were sudden and severe! Then it got to the point where walking became painful and I thought I had broken something. Had an appointment with my family doctor, and she thought the same thing. She referred me to an orthopedic doctor. His assistant came in the room, listened to my symptoms, touched my foot (insert yuck face here) and immediately said, oh you need surgery. I was like dang; the doctor has not even been in yet. Shoot, we haven’t even done an x-ray yet! He said they would do an x-ray of course to confirm, but he can already tell my bone was shifting and a growth was forming on the bone as a result, and that was the problem. When I left that appointment, I was scheduled to have surgery two weeks later.

After receiving my surgery date, I immediately began putting things into place. I reached out to my support system to set up rides to and from surgery and my post op appointments. I made arrangements to get my daughter to and from school and dance class. I went to the grocery store. I did the laundry and cleaned the house. And most importantly, I made an appointment to get my hair braided. HAHA! Priorities, right? Oh, I was ready! But I should probably mention that during all of that preparing, I also walked into a wall in my house and broke a toe on my left foot in two places (now enter a face palm here). I know… When I went BACK to the orthopedic office, I told them I felt I was not getting enough attention while waiting for surgery, so I had to do something to make them notice me again lol. So, I was taped together and booted on my left foot, and after surgery I was cast and booted on my right. Yes people, I was double booted for a couple of weeks. Ridiculous!

So fast forward to the moment of freedom I was just talking about. All of my follow-up x-rays, on both feet, looked great. So, once I was in that single boot and behind the wheel, I was too ready! And then the sudden, sharp, shooting pains started happening again sporadically. I was soooo confused. I thought the whole point of the surgery was to fix the issue that was causing those pains. I was devastated because of course I consulted Dr. Google, and he told me that my surgery did not work. The pain started getting so bad that there were times I would have to pull over in the car or would be somewhere doubled over sobbing and biting down on my hand to keep from screaming. It felt worse than the pain prior to the surgery. What in the entire world was going on? One day my baby brother reached out to check on me and my recovery. He and his fiancée are both Dr’s of Physical Therapy. I was telling him what was going on with my pain and he put his Dr. hat on. He told me it was normal and that I was just experiencing the feeling in my nerves coming back. He explained that during the surgery, when they made the incisions, they also cut through the nerves. So now, even though the x-rays show the bone has healed fine, and the incision is closed and healed, there was still healing going on on the inside. The nerves also had to heal, and as they did, the feeling would come back and unfortunately it was not a good feeling. When I went to my next post-op appointment and they asked all their questions, the physician’s assistant started trying to tell me about the nerve pain. I stopped her like, oh I know. My brother is a Physical Therapist, he already told me. I couldn’t resist lol.

Those sporadic pains went on for about a month or two, I think. I just remember one day thinking I hadn’t had one in a while. Recently they have started to happen again, but only every once in a while, and not nearly as intense. The last time it happened, I said “sheesh! My foot looks like it is completely healed, but I guess there is still work happening inside.” Mannnnn! That statement smacked me upside the head! That is absolutely the place I am in in my life.

I could sit here and make you a list of all of the blows life has hit me with, but I won’t. Just know I’ve gotten my butt kicked a time or two, and there was heavy damage. I walked around for years with the pain. I would get to a point where I thought everything was ok just to have something happen and suddenly feel sharp pains again. I dealt with this pain way longer than I dealt with the foot pain. But what got me to the Dr. was the same in both instances. I did not know what was wrong, but the pain became unbearable and I knew I needed help. There was no orthopedic surgeon for this pain. There was God. Now, I did not come to this solution of turning to God as easily as I did with the ortho doc. Oh no… I resisted. I was going to figure it out myself. Well, it did not take long for that to fail. So, on the first Sunday in November, a few years ago, I finally surrendered and sought out the real healer! Yup, I said a few years ago, just roll with me, I’m going somewhere with this.

For whatever reason, I thought I would surrender to God and He would fix my life, better than Iyanla ever could lol, and boom! All is well. Well, if you’ve ever trusted God before, you know it did not go down like that. My healing required some major surgery. I got that through meeting with my Bishop, Sunday sermons, Bible Studies, and special teachings. Every time someone opened their mouth to speak Gods word, it was cutting me up!!! I started to wonder if I would ever stop falling apart and weeping all the darn time. Little by little, I did. I realized my behaviors were changing. My responses to things that normally set me off were changing. My entire countenance was different. Oh, sis was healed and ready to shine!!!

Welp… fast forward. Life is still happening. It’s still throwing blows. But I can handle them now, right? I’m good. Until I wasn’t. Suddenly the pain was back, and I could not explain it. I thought I was doing everything right. I was healed! I was soooo confused. I thought the whole point of surrendering and trusting God was so He could fix the issue that was causing those pains. I was devastated because of course here comes Satan, and he told me that my surrender did not work. Well, trick no good. I didn't listen to that seed of doubt he tried to plant. The Word cut me in all the right places, and I thought I had gone through the healing process, but what I failed to realize is that those cuts went deeper than I thought, and the healing doesn’t just happen overnight. As God works to pull things out of me that should not be there and heal me from the inside out, there will be times it hurts. People love to say, “I don’t look like what I’ve been through,” and today I am one of those people. If you saw me walking around today, you wouldn’t know that just a few months ago I couldn’t even stand. You also would not know that while the Dr. cut off everything that should not have been there, and my incision is closed up and looking as decent as a huge scar can, I actually still have healing going on inside, and still have pain at times as things repair and shift where they need to be. If you saw me in church today, you wouldn’t know that it wasn’t too long ago that I questioned whether or not I was even saved, or that I questioned whether or not I should even be alive. You also would not know that while I am no longer reacting emotionally every Sunday and have been delivered from so much, I actually still have healing going on inside, and still have pain at times as God repairs me and shifts things where they need to be.

For once, this post isn’t one of me saying what a mess I am or telling you how I need to get it together. It’s showing you that I AM getting it together. I might be harder on myself than God is at times (that’s a post all by itself), but I have to stop sometimes and actually acknowledge the work He has done in me. I have to acknowledge how far I have come. I have to acknowledge the healing that has and still is taking place. There are so many times I get sick of myself and just KNOW God is done with me, but that’s not how He works. And even though there are times the process hurts; I can still be thankful because it means He hasn’t taken His hands off of me. It means He still has purpose for me. It means He wants me whole! And guess what? Every day I can remember that, even in pain, is another day of sunshine!